PG

Warped Thoughts For The Day

ON ADS IN BILLS:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in -- coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."

ON FABRIC SOFTENER:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory! You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

ON MEN VERSUS WOMEN, IN THE MORNING:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake up and we want you! And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerves!

ON PREGNANCY:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God! He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God! Give me your hand! It won't be long now..."

ON GRANDMAS:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? What - is she out entering wet shawl contests!? Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!

ON PHONE-IN POLLS:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know!" It costs 90 cents to call up and vote, and they're voting "I don't know!" You might hear a couple talking, one of the two saying, "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Saying Into phone) "I don't know!" (hangs up, looking very proud).

Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about!