PG

Have You Ever Wondered

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."

"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."

"A women broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn lower?"

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."