PG

Marriage Humor

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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
--Henny Youngman

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The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
--Ann Bancroft

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Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
--Bill Cosby

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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards
--Benjamin Franklin

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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
--Henny Youngman

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
--Milton Berle

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
--George Burns

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What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
--Cindy Garner

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When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
--Elaine Boosler

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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,"There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
--Henny Youngman

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
--Phyllis Diller

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My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
--Rita Rudner

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
--Henny Youngman

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People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
--Erma Bombeck

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months -I don't like to interrupt her.

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

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A husband said to his wife, "No, I don