PG

Wit And Wisdom Of Homer Simpson

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THE WIT AND WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty..'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

"I'm feeling kinda low, Apu. You got any of that beer with candy floating in it, ya know...Skittle-brau?"

"Marge, if I keep doing all of these girlie-things I'm going to go, ya know, fruity."

"You know me. I likes my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals FLAMING!"

(To a waffle on the ceiling) "Oh, Lord, why do you mock me?! I know I shouldn't eat thee, but...mmm...sacrilicious."

"Let me tell you about another so called 'crazy guy'. He had long hair and some wild ideas, and people thought that he was crazy, too. And his name was...hmmm, I forgot. But the point is...hmmm, I forgot that, too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about...he used to drive that blue car..."

"You know me. I can't even say 'titmouse' without giggling like a school girl."

"You know that postcard that Grandpa sent us from Florida with the alligator biting that woman's bottom? Well, we all thought that it was hilarious, but it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman."

"Its not like I'm asking you to give blood for nothing...that would be crazy. But when you help a rich man out he showers you with...riches. Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?"

"Doesn't the Bible also say "Thou shalt not take moochers into thy...hut"?

"Marge, I can't live the buttoned down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend some of the blue-noses, with their cocky strides and musky odors. I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'city-fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson."