Check me out ... I'm human!!

Just a steel town gorilla on a Daturday night looking for the time of his life!

She just has to drive, hates it in the passenger seat.

And they say women are bad drivers!

... and no where to go.

Looks just like a human to me - what do you think?

I can't wait to get home and terrorize the dog!

People, let me tell you about my best friend ?

Please don't swallow!

Scotty, where are you?!?

Well the dog started it!

That's what you get for feeding me dry cat food!

Do it to me one more time!

I was MUCH bigger!,

Slide Sally, slide!

Q. You are trapped in a room with a lawyer, tiger and lion; you have a gun with two bullets -- what do you do? A. Shoot the lawyer twice!!

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him ...

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel bet ...

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied ...

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his Hoo hoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the rin ...

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed ...

Question 1
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommen ...

A Louisiana State Trooper pulled a car over on US165 about 2 miles south of the Louisiana/Arkansas State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magici ...

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?'

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

...

Courtroom Drama

St Louis Mo.

A seven-year old boy was at the center of a St Louis County court room drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

...

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tol ...

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities w ...

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a slight response on ...

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: ...

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

10. A below par performance Is considered damn good.

9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a c ...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. ...

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself ...

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When ...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went h ...

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to h ...

1. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink t ...

Imagine, if you will, your computer suddenly starts making a weird noise....a noise you've never heard any computer make.

While you can't quite figure out what the noise is, you describe it as ...

How Dr. Suess may have described aging.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of hi ...

A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T. " Examples of those days are: Tues ...

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your ca ...

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost
B - Better
C - Cute
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
PS . . . they should add a new size for the ov ...

Nice cartoon rendition of a classic joke.

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line.

• Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you ...

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set ...

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. -Tim Allen

Never date a woman whose father calls her "Princess." Chances are she believes it. - Anonymous

Co ...

Send this to a friend to make their day!

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...

The husband answers and says, "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."

The wife replies, "But I've got some good news and s ...

Great design for a urinal.

They work hard and deserve recognition.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decid ...

I bet he was surprised when he sobered-up.

Here is a family of Mandolin's -- they even have names.

A friend of mine works at a waste treatment plant and was present during a visit from the Department of Natural Resources.

During the visit she was asked if any endangered species live around th ...

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anythi ...

The US Navy will be implementing a new catch and release program in its war on terrorism. This new program targets smaller terrorist cells and fringe groups for the purposes of intelligence gatheri ...

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-o ...

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally ...

This would freak me out too!

One of the funiest phone pranks ever!

Gentlemen,

I offer you a story that reveals the deepest mystery known to man. Learn it, know it and live it...

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring ...

It's official and makes sense.

• You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
• Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
• You've ever re-used a paper plate.
• If you have a complet ...

This is pretty accurate ... alcohol may help you get lucky but there are side effects.

Here's who ruined casual Fridays.

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS TENNESSEE EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of TENNESSEE.

If you have one of thes ...

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and ...

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very da ...

Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions Author Unknown

When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard.

My kids see flowers for Mom and ...

What a pratical joker ... bet he needed a new pair of pants.

Some things you keep.

Like good teeth.

Warm coats.

Bald husbands.

They're good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime that to throw them away would make the garbage man a th ...

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have...

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day ...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

• Indubitably
• Innovative
• Preliminary
• Proliferation
• Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN ...

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. soft music ...

Palm Pilot for a red neck.